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50 Shades of Dice


  • "Dice" started this thread

Posts: 3,071

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: Dec 12th 2011

Platform: PC

Location: Sol.


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Saturday, November 16th 2013, 9:21am

How to unlock the P90. (Dice's satirical take on the BF4 story)

This is meant to be light-hearted. I do not mean to offend and I have asked the people I need to ask if I can do this. If you have an issue with anything written here please PM me so I can ignore you.

Ok, so it is year 2020 and the US army has shown itself to be a dam progressive thing. So about a decade ago they court up with the rest of the world and let the dreaded gays join the army and now they have gone full equal opportunity. Handicaps such as being totally mute, the inability to hold a rifle straight and you do not need to even take orders from the guy in charge. Nope, if you can talk for him you can give him “suggestions” and totally forget rank.
We join this world through the eyes of our emotional deadweight “Recker”. Other than being totally mute he seems to be seen as total leadership material by his direct in the field commander. Someone names… oh I forget. He dies fast and I had zero attachment to him anyway. We open to find the group in a Submarine. The issue here being that someone forgot to add any way to stop the sub from sinking like a stone and the glass was not made for the pressures that it is going to. So we are given a gun and told to shoot out the crappy glass. We do and the crappy music dies with some man whom is trapped in the car.

Jump back a few hours and we are running through the streets of… ok who cares, I cannot keep track of this shit anyway. All I really remember is that a smokestack fell on me and I hit the ground a touch hard. The chopper I was meant to leave in crashed and the hot sounding chick inside is dead. (Is it not a rule we are meant to see tits in B grade action flicks? Guess we are not seeing hers.) Then we cut the leg off some guy, jump in a car, turn it into a sub and then we are magically back on the ship. Woot that was a ride.

Now, told that some guy called Jim Jay has been killed. Some Chinese poli. Wanted to westernise China and someone shot him. Everyone thinks it’s the US. HAY MORONS, HE WANTED TO WESTENISE CHINA, WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE KILL HIM? Seems more like something a hardliner in China would do. Oh well, thankfully we unlocked our pet dog REX to use in the Multi player side of the game.

Editor’s note:
That’s not a dog, it’s a gun.

The hell it’s not a dog, I have been watching all these cool vids of a game where you can use a dog to kill people. It even had cool fish.
It’s a pistol you dick, that’s in that other B grade shooter?
There is more than one?
You are so thick sometimes you know that?

Ok we are back. So after we get our dog we have to move on to get a very important person. Most of this was a blur save for the end where we meet the chick and her Husband. (Married? Does that mean we are not going to see her tits? Pity she is Asian and Riesig mentioned something about Asian chicks in the games he plays always getting nude. Yea this must be her. So we get her and her man and decide that we need to get the chick to a safer place. So we go and steal a chopper. Good thing the guy driving is a Yank so he will not fly off and leave us behind or nothing… He what? That fucking… (Currently experiencing technical difficulties.)

Ok we are back again. So where to next? Oh yea, a super dangerous mission to enter a big sinking ship. Question, ship is on a reef, big hole in one side and is taking on water. Do you:
A) Stay the fuck clear or
B) Go and see if you can help anyone in the water or
C) Enter the thing?
If you picked A or B then congrats for being sane. If you picked C well… you just the kind of fool we need in the US army. So into the sinking ship. But it started breaking up. So we grab something and leave. Ok that is fair. But the thing is crawling with Chinse. (ITS SINKING YOU FOOLS, SAVE YOURSELVES.) Well it’s a good thing that they are not foolish enough to try and stay on the ship and shoot at us. No they were smart enough to just wait behind some door between us and safety and ambush us as we try and get free.

Editor’s note:
They did not do that.

Oh they were just as stupid as we were for getting on it… Ok… IQ needed to join any military is not high these days. Well after we magically found a Chinese attack boat and got back to the ship without getting shot at by our own ship (We have a big red star on our boat, we are the enemy you know) we get back on board and stop the ship from being boarded. (The Asians jumped on the still floating ship this time. They are learning.) Sadly the guy that left us behind and took off with the chopper gets killed. (And that’s what happens when you steal my wheels bitch.)So crisis avoided. Score. We cannot possibly do anything more foolish than that right? RIGHT?

Ok so next we find out that the chick we went and got (who is so super important that someone how to steal my ride) is now coming with. Wait, back up a moment. She is so important that you could not hold 10 seconds for us to get on the chopper but she is not that important that she can go into harm’s way with us? This seams… I smell a plot twist coming on… So we hit the beach with this chick. Luckily she now proves to us that the Chinese military is also equal opportunity. See just like our guys, she did not have to pass basic marksman training to get her gun. Way to go China. High five for progression. I would like to point out that the Chinese shooting at me did happen to have passed training tho… Strange. Maybe you just have to be a woman to flunk training and “Pass”.

Anyway, we go for a walk, the people in the tank near on die and we all decide since its obviously a moving death trap, let’s all jump in. Well it cannot be as bad as a sinking ship now can it? Guess not. Not too long after we cross this bridge in the calmest weather ever and nothing interesting happens. (Way to totally miss a moment to increases the tension guys. Go back to film school.) Then we end up in an airport. Great. Whatever. We shoot a flare and hell opens up and rains brimstone around us.

Editor’s note:
Pay attention in meetings and you would know why you were there to start with.

Oh fuck that, I was barely awake in that cut scene. Anyway, the devil comes to give me a hug, one of the team dies and the chick betrays us. That’s one check box for bad B grade shooters, there must be one betrayal scene. Just ask MW2, Crysis 3 and The Guns of Navarone. See, it’s a must. What’s next on that checklist? The torture chamber scene? A touch cliché but hay let’s do it.

So we come too in some kind of room. We see some black dude being shocked and (Hay wait, gays are fine but when did we let black folks into the army? What? We don’t promote them very highly and mostly use them as cannon fodder to save the rich white men’s sons? Ok that sounds fair, let’s move on) Ok so black dude is getting shocked and we are told that the Asian chick has no husband. Some statements about Jim and then… hay look, a plot twist. Now we find out that Recker is so mute he cannot even scream right. That’s really got to suck if you’re the interrogator. You go through all that training on how to be a sadistic ass, learn the arts of the rusty butter knife and the cattle prod and them some dick will not even scream for you… What a dick. What a heartless dick. Your just doing your job after all, he should play his part.

Now we wake up to some Russian dude named Dima. He starts talking like I should know what the fuck he is going on about. I honestly haven’t a clue so I pause the game and look him up. Oh yea, that guy from BF3. Good thing that game was not totally forgettable and I forgotten who you were. Maybe it was all that time in Metro… Hay wait, you’re the one that went to Paris and thus you’re the reason we had metro in the Multi player. YOU’RE TO BLAME!

Ok time out… and we are back. Ok so Russian dude who fucked over two years of my gaming life is back. Well now this could be better. Anyway he breaks us out and then we meet up with the Asian chick again. Yay she betrayed her own kind to help us… Wait why the fuck should I trust you again? You have my high tec binos” FUCKING SOLD! Yea guys she is solid. No way is she on their side now. We all jump into this metal box and then get shot to hell. Well fuck, did not see that coming with a bunch of choppers flying overhead.

On a serious note, did anyone else notice the pilots of all those other choppers where flying into a mountain and killing themselves? Just seemed odd to me. So now we come too, Russian dudes dead and, wait the cause of Metro is dead? FUCK YEA I AM BREAKING OUT THE REAL SHIT NOW. BUNDY RUM FOR ALL. (That’s an Australian joke about Bogan rum. Really look it up, its crap stuff.)

Well as a bonus, for seeing the Russian die you do unlock a Male gigolo named “Hank” to use in the Multi player.
Editor’s note:
It’s a knife you fool and it called a “Shank”.

If it’s not a gigolo why does it like to randomly penetrate the people I get close too deeply and senually?
What’s your IQ exactly?

So what’s next? Oh yea, we would be really boned if we did not happen to bond a little now right? I mean now is the part where we talk about traumatic pasts, heal all the wounds and bitch about the lack of food. Would be nice if we could randomly run into some friendlies behind enemy lines too right. Well thank the lord for that. Next job, meet up with some commander chick. Maybe it’s her tits we will see?

Ok that commander chick, when you meet her just invasion her in leather, wearing a strap on and holding a whip. Like that’s the only way to try and think about her if you’re going to talk to her at all. What? No tits? Well I guess we should just ask if she has any suicidal missions for us and have a shot at them. I mean the Ship was not that bad an idea yea? Let’s blow a whole dam up. Well I mean you cannot get crazier than that right. Wait what’s that balloon for? Why is your name Irish? What’s that plan for? Why is my lunch raining down on my fellow man all of a sudden?

Well for that we unlock Michelle Rodriguez as a player charter for the Multi player.

Editor’s note:
No you don’t.

But I unlocked the Machete right?
That’s Danny Trejo you fuck and… you know what, I am sick of this, get him out of my office.

Ok so back on the ship again and it’s under fire. Good thing I have this magic box here where I can find any kind of gun I have come across in game and use it to dramatic effect against the boarders. (See they are boarding but had not paid any rent. So I decided to deal with it the way anyone would when outside national borders; Shoot em.) So we get inside and find out that the other squad mate is alive. He got shot, crawled through like a mile of shit and came out just fine. I mean it not at all odd that a man with a hole in his stomach would crawl though infection inducing sludge, end up on a ship with next to no medical capacity and can suddenly walk and fight as if nothing was wrong. So close to a realistic military sim this game you would almost think it’s real.

So now all we need to do is meet up with Jim. We do and Jim knows this is all a game. See at this point we are really boned but he pulls out this controller, types in the Konami Code and picks the “stop possible thermonuclear war” cheat. All of a sudden everyone calms down and everything is just ok. Just like that. The code does not work on the final boss however so we have to go and kill him. Sadly that wound has flared up and the other guy that was in our squad chickens out. So we jump in a boat and take off down the water at this Chinese boat that is trying to kill us. We slap something onto the side of it and then we just hang out under a bridge somewhere. SI now realise that this game is not like the ones Riesig has told me about and the Asian is not going to strip for me. In my frustration I throw this sandwich I am holding at her and she goes off and kills herself. Dam, talk about over reacting. But then we are flown back to the ship and everyone is happy. The fireworks go off and the credits roll.

Well I have no regrets about who I picked, I now have a P90. (Score!) Stay tuned because next time we will hear about how my indecisive nature doomed thousand’s to die but got me an Assault Rifle.


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Saturday, November 16th 2013, 10:11am

Oh Dice, I know how to get Hannah nekkid.
I'm a tsundere tentacle

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: Oct 8th 2013

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Saturday, November 16th 2013, 10:58am

Brilliant laugh reading this with breakfast...however, please delete.

Now I know and other know you are being humorous, but for the love of god, if DICE read this they'll think you are a huge fan of the SP. "aww look at that, he liked BF4 SP so much he did a pastiche and oh LOOK, he mentioned Metro, our telemetry tells us that in BF5 players only want metro"

Also, disappointed there were no boobs :(
theaha for president!!!

"RIP Flare Glitch. 10/1/13-11/25/13. The game will never be the same without you." - Labby